Something I never understood was survivors’ guilt. I had heard people talking about it but I never really gave it much thought as being relevant until I survived cancer.

I was in my early 50’s when I was diagnosed with Melanoma and a couple years after that was Breast Cancer. Because my breast cancer diagnosis was so close after my melanoma treatment I didn’t really have any time to slow down from the 1st treatment plan. Lot’s of people get skin cancer removed but I had a bit of a poop show removal so it went on for about 3 years to be totally healed. I ended up with an unwanted face lift because I had a very bad 1st plastic surgeon. When I ended up at the cancer hospital the surgeon was so upset about what the 1st surgeon did she had to take a lot more out and the incision went from 2-3 inches to about 12 inches, from ear to ear. In the end it all worked out. I got a half face lift and eye lid lift for my 51st birthday. I did not get my feelings back in my head for 2-3 years. It has been 3.5 years now and it is still not all back so probably will never be.

The breast cancer came on as soon as my head was cleared for normal things but it was not back to normal by any means, so I still felt the aftermath. So I went from one shit show to another real quick. 

I was back at the doctor every few weeks. I was scheduling surgeries, check ins and all the things. During the surgeries and the year after my diagnosis everything was fast and I was always being looked after. Shout out to the cancer hospital, they were great. I felt a community rooting for me there and at home. I was numb for 2.5-3 years. I had such a great support group but even that doesn’t help with what was about to come. 

I walked out of the cancer hospital about a year ago and I was finally to the point where I am only going every 6-months for check ups. Don’t get me wrong, I am still here and am happy to be on this end of it but here is what has happened over the past year since I walked out of that office.

Guilt, and a ton of it. Once things slowed down I had a lot of time to think about everything. During active treatment you are so busy healing and meeting with doctors and friends and family taking care of you that you don’t really have time to process what is actually going on. I mean I am not dumb, I knew what was going on but didn’t have down time to process it. I was in a lot of denial and felt really lost when I walked out of the doctors office. It slowed down, FAST.

Surviving is awesome but it is also hard. I had met and talked with people that lost loved ones to the same cancers I had just had. Some were children and some were adults way younger than me. Some left little kids behind. Why did I get chosen to make it through? Why did young kids die with so little life lived? I had a good friend lose her husband to cancer. They were in their 30s and hadn’t had a chance to start their family. Why did I live and he didn’t? You would think that I would be jumping for joy and taking each moment in but my mind started to make me feel lost and sad. It is so hard to explain to those that have not gone through this. It is not sad that I am living but still feelings of sadness none the less. 

I would have people tell me their stories, even if I didn’t ask for them. That will be another post. I didn’t want to hear them because I didn’t want to feel guilty because they lost loved ones and I was still here. I would sit in my room and it was so quiet. People need to go on with their lives and I get that, but I was all of a sudden deathly alone in my thoughts and that is hell. I cried more after I was done with treatment then during. I barely cried during it, I was numb and didn’t stop. Then I stopped and then my mind caught up and I was grieving. Grieving for my past self before cancer. I still grieve for that person. I still feel guilt for surviving. I am not the same person today and probably will never be. Now I am trying to find my new normal.

This post could last for days and I will write more about this later. I guess my main point today is to still check on your loved ones after they are all clear. It should be celebrated but more than likely they are not yet. It takes a long time to deal with the mind game and the silence is so unbearable at times. Don’t expect the same person to come back and don’t pressure them to be the same. Try to help them find and accept their new normal and be patient. 

Sending out prayers to all my fellow cancer family. I get you!