Just a reminder that sometimes I may repeat myself because middle age and menopause makes me not always remember what I have already said.

Religion has always been at the forefront of my mind since as long as I can remember. When you are raised in a specific religion it is all encompassing. For some that is OK as they need that and for others, like me, it did not fare so well.

I spent most of my life feeling guilty about every choice I made and whether or not I was being tested by God. This was for all decisions, what I would wear, what I would drink, the friends that I made. I was always wondering if I was going to pass that test and make it to my church’s heaven with my family. Sometimes this did help me make smarter choices but more times than not it confused me. I couldn’t even get dressed in the morning without wondering if I was going to disappoint someone or have someone report me to my parents or church leaders if they didn’t approve. I didn’t even like to dress showing a lot of skin because this was ingrained in my head at such a young age. The thought of dressing immodestly was all I thought about when picking clothes. I didn’t even want to wear a v-neck shirt with my A size chest. I still have a hard time looking at v-neck tops because it is the first thing I think of even in my 50’s!

Through my years I have had the opportunity to meet new people and be exposed to many belief systems. Living in the state I did growing up didn’t allow me to be exposed to many different religions. When I moved out of that state I was able to be opened up to new people. Good people that were not brought up in the same religion as I was and they seemed like great people. I was always taught to not look outside my religion for a spouse or my friend group so this took a while to open up but once I did I saw the good in many people. 

My belief system growing up was that I was so loved by God that I was born in the one and only true church. We were taught that others will eventually have the opportunity to learn his gospel whether it be in this life or the next. How lucky I was to be born in the right religion. It was so encompassing that every ounce of energy I gave during the day I was taught to be thinking of this religion and if I was living right by it. This is confusing to a kid that hasn’t even sinned yet that they were constantly being watched and scared to make the wrong decision. No child should be scared of being a child. Of course they taught repentance but at what point do we just let people make their decisions and learn from them. Does it really matter if I pick the v-neck shirt or the scoop neck shirt? Does that make me less of a good  person? Will exposing just a 1/2 inch of my chest really keep me out of his highest kingdom? 

Of course there are and were harder decisions than what my clothing would be but I am trying to paint a picture of the constant headspace I was in because it was  ingrained in me over-and-over again. 

I spent my childhood memorizing scriptures and learning what the larger entity wanted me to learn and be ostracized if I questioned it. I spent years of my caffeine sodas being dumped out on the sidewalk because it was bad to be introduced to them. Then at a church function in the 90’s, because the religion secretly put their money into the industry, all of a sudden I was drinking these caffeine drinks at church functions. I was constantly told I was not the ideal body size at a size 7-10. I was cut from the dance team for the first performance because I was not as skinny as some of the girls so I became anorexic to fit in and I never missed a performance again. I blamed that dance instructor for so many years for my constant body image issues and eating disorder but recently my attitude towards her has changed. 

What I have come to realize in my deconstruction is that my instructor mentioned above was indoctrinated into the same mindset I was. I had so much hate and blame for her and learning why I feel the way I do about myself I have come to accept that she has been put into this same space. I no longer blame her, but feel bad for her that this had been all encompassing in her mind as well. We reap what we sew and I see now that this is a problem that can go on from one generation to the other. The only way to break a cycle of abuse is to question it and leave it when you find it. 

I was mad at God for so many years for making my Mom have to go out and work because we couldn’t afford her not to. I thought that if we believed in the church hard enough then the man should make enough money to support the family so the woman could do what she was put here for and that is to  raise the family and keep the house clean. However, I never took into account that a woman might want to go out and have a career. I wanted a career. So, when I got old enough to know this my tune changed and I realized that a woman is not just a placeholder for the patriarchy to tell her how to live. If women are not supposed to want more then how could God give us a mind to want more. If you want to be a housewife then  you should be one and be respected for it. If you don’t you should be respected for that too.

All these things may seem like a lot for a child to endure and they are. No child should have to be thinking of how they will disappoint and make the wrong decisions. If religions want more people to stay then they really need to be a guide and not a threatening lifestyle full of fear and guilt. 

There is so much more to unpack with my religious journey.